We love to judge those punk kids who are phenomenal athletes. They get a great big signing bonus, which we’re jealous of, and mock them for going right out and buying a brand new sports car. Pffffgh, we grunt. What a waste of money! They should save for the future! They don’t even know what they’re doing! Who knows how long their career will last!?!
If I were a young and naive professional athlete, I would buy a new car too. At least I think so. You see, I’m no professional athlete. I don’t have the talent or drive. The people that have those things are different than me. Because of that, I can’t judge their behavior. That would be like saying, ‘if I held public office’ or ‘if I understood astrophysics’ . . . ‘I’d do this!
I have no business saying that stuff. I’ve never had anyone throw a couple hundred grand my way because I’m so damn talented. I’ve never been responsible for decisions that affect thousands of people, nor do I understand all that stuff brainiacs understand.
So I can’t judge.
Byron Katie once said something that stopped me in my tracks. She was talking about terrorists who blow themselves up for a cause. She said, ‘if you were thinking and believing what they were thinking and believing, you’d strap a bomb on your chest and kill innocent people too!’
Beliefs
It’s all about what we think and believe. All our actions stem from our thoughts.
Then, a second statement caused me to think twice. Jim Kwik said, ‘all behavior is belief driven’. Really? I started to test it out on myself. Here are some of the beliefs that drive my behavior. I take a walk because I believe my body needs exercise. I am kind to people because I believe they will be kind back. I pray because I believe God is listening.
I eat chocolate cake because I believe I don’t think it will harm me. I go on a vacation because I believe it will be fun. I keep my mouth shut about racism because I believe it doesn’t have to do with me. And my white friends will judge me. Oops.
I began to ask over and over, ‘what do I believe that makes me act that way?’
I know I know, this seems a little crazy because we believe we’re aware of all our beliefs. But we’re not. Or, we don’t want to admit what we believe. We keep them neatly tucked away in our unconscious mind, so we never have to say them out loud.
Judge Not
There’s a place, where this all breaks down. We do it often. We judge other people’s behaviors based on what we believe. This causes chaos, misunderstandings, and dissention. I believe this is what is happening now.
The death of George Floyd set off a multitude of emotional behaviors. Our emotions are like fuel on a fire. They also stem from what we believe.
All behavior is belief driven. Who are you to argue with someone else’s thoughts and beliefs? You might not agree with them, but you cannot insert yourself into their thoughts and beliefs and judge their actions. The only thing you can do is look at your own.
But we want to judge other people’s behavior instead of our own. It’s much easier to look at another person and point out their flaws instead of looking in the mirror and seeing our own. In the United States right now, it is as if a huge mirror is showing us all who we are as a society and we don’t like what we see.
Will you take a look in the mirror? Will you see how you have contributed to the problem? Will you ask yourself what you believe? Will you own your behavior based on your beliefs, instead of blaming your behavior on someone else’s?
When we disagree
Of course, we will believe in different methods to solve problems. I think we ought to spend more money on diversity training in the schools and you think this can be taught at home. You think we ought to spend more on the music program to create healthy individuals and I think we need to spend more on physical fitness. I think our students need to wear uniforms and you don’t.
There is room for disagreement. We will believe different things. This is why we can only look at our own beliefs and how they affect our behavior. It does not work to look at our beliefs and judge other people’s behavior. When we judge others, we shut out the opportunity to live in community.
Here are the ways we DON’T live in community because we judge other’s beliefs.
You don’t get to have your own thoughts and beliefs
We get angry when we believe other people are not entitled to their own thoughts and beliefs and must adopt ours. Very few people come right out and say this, but they sure behave this way. Here’s an example. Let’s say I am afraid that women everywhere are being minimized and their voices are not being heard. You don’t think this is true and judge my behavior as wrong. You get angry and make it a point to talk about all the crazy women demanding equal rights. You judge my fear based on the lack of yours.
When we do this, we believe we are morally superior. This will not allow us to live in community.
We agree, right?
We get confused when we believe other people think the same things we do. When their actions show otherwise, we scratch our heads and wonder what is happening. Let’s say I believe all people should be shown respect and think you do too. Let’s say you make a stereotypical comment about a group of people. I’m confused. We are going to have to talk about it to live in community.
You SHOULD think the way I think
We get frustrated when we think others should believe in the same things, we believe in. It’s either our way or the highway. Most of us have done this politically. I believe in candidate A and you believe in candidate B. We’re friends and I’m frustrated you don’t see that politician the way I do. I get frustrated that you don’t see things like I do. If we can’t agree to disagree, we have lost our ability to live in community.
Why are you acting that way?
We judge other’s actions because we think we know what they think and believe. Our logic tells us we would not behave that way, so they are bad because they do. I believe the police will protect my safety and you are out there screaming at cops. I judge your reaction because it’s not the same as mine. If you think the police are good, fair, and honest like I do, you must be off your rocker to react so radically. My judgment of you divides and breaks up community.
Listen
The only way to find out what a person thinks and believes is to ask them. Then stop and listen. Stop thinking about what you’re going to say next. Discipline yourself not to defend your position. Use this as an opportunity to get a broader perspective.
Just listen.
Some people may not be able to give you a complete answer. They may be unaware of their own thoughts and beliefs, or don’t want to expose themselves to the ugly truths that lie within them. So in addition to listening, we can use their behaviors to understand what they think and believe.
Behaviors
All behavior is belief driven. Observe other’s actions with a spirit of understanding, compassion, and forgiveness. Don’t you want others to see your behaviors the same way?
What do you believe?
What does your behavior show that you believe?