I’ve often thought healthy self-talk is simply the thoughts I have in my mind about myself. To be healthy, I talk to myself about myself like a friend. I say kind things like:
· You did that well!
· Way to go!
· You are really getting the hang of this!
But there is a whole area of self-talk I had not considered before. It’s how I talk to myself about others. What silent judgments do I have about other people? What do say in my mind about events and circumstances? Is what I think healthy?
What is my self-talk?
Here are some examples:
· We had a breach on the nation’s Capital Building. What are your thoughts about it? This is not a political question but a personal one because your thoughts will have an impact on your well-being.
What is your self-talk?
· Your business is shut down by State order because of COVID. What are your thoughts about it?
What is your self-talk?
· Your co-worker told a racist joke at work. What are your thoughts about it?
What is your self-talk?
How can you keep your self-talk healthy?
Be Intentional – If you want to drive to Florida, you will need a map or GPS to get there. Without directions, you could wind up in Texas. You need to have a plan to where you’re going. This is being intentional.
Here is a game to help you be intentional about your thinking. These bowls sit on my desk. As I go through my day, I keep track of whether my thoughts are positive or negative. Some days I have almost no negative thoughts but on other days I have a bunch of them. I’ve been using the beans to help me keep track so I can have more positive thoughts than negative ones by the end of the day.
It’s fun to pick up a bean and throw it on the positive side. This game increases my awareness of negative thoughts when I have to put one on the other side. This physical reinforcement is a little trick to be intentional.
Be Conscious – You wouldn’t go to the mall wearing your pajamas because you would be conscious of where you are going and what the proper attire is. It’s the same with our thoughts. We need to be conscious of what we’re thinking.
We are not fully aware when we let our minds go on auto-pilot. When we do this, it’s as if we are in a hypnotic state, walking around half asleep.
Other times, our self-talk is made up of the noise we hear from TV or social media, because we are not silent enough in our minds to have our own thoughts. As if by osmosis the thoughts of these outside influences invade our mind. Is it becoming your self-talk?
Be conscious of your thinking. This way you can prevent your thoughts from becoming negative or unhealthy.
How can you have healthy self-talk when your difficulties stem from others?
Let’s say someone bullies your child at school. Are you angry, sad or feel revenge? Are you disgusted, defeated, or afraid it will happen again? What are your thoughts about it? What is your self-talk?
No doubt some negative emotions, in the form of thoughts, will pop into your mind right away. It is possible to have healthy thoughts in this situation. You are in control of your mind even when your emotions want to ransack the place.
What is healthy self-talk?
Healthy self-talk empowers you to move forward instead of negatively brooding. Start by comforting your child, listening to their emotions, and then both of you can take a breather from processing. Next, be aware of your own thoughts and the effect they may have on this situation. Your thoughts may turn into actions such as writing a letter to the administration, doing research on bullying or finding ways for both you and your child to reduce your stress.
Healthy thoughts will help you to stop focusing on the event and turn into action to work on a solution.
Why would you want to focus on your thoughts when your child is hurting?
Because both you and your child need it. Ruminating on the negative will damage your brain. Sulking into a victim mentality does the same. Moving through the negative thoughts in your mind and on to a solution is empowering.
Reframe
Once the difficult thoughts have been processed, it’s time to reframe the event in your mind. What are some other possible explanations? How is this event helping you and your child to navigate life in a new and more productive way? How can your self-talk about this event help both you and your child instead of hurting?
Let Go
Some negative self-talk simply needs to be let go of. Hanging onto their toxic effects is not helping but causing harm. The self-talk of being mad at a person will do no harm to them but plenty of internal harm to you. Why capture those thoughts and let them live in your mind? It only feeds the unhealthy self-talk, and keeps it alive.
Self-talk not only has to do with your thoughts about you, it also has to do with your thoughts about others. Be intentional about your self-talk. Stay conscious of your self-talk. Process your negative self-talk in a healthy way, reframe it, and then let it go.